"Just detach"isn't a plan.
You've tried letting go. You've tried holding on. Neither is working.
If you love someone in addiction, you've probably been told to just focus on yourself.
Detach. Let go. Work on you. But no one tells you what to do about the person you love who's still using, or where to even start getting them help.
How many nights have you lain awake asking yourself, do I stay or do I go?
You've been in therapy. And it helps. But sometimes it feels like you're explaining your life to someone who's only read about it. They've never sat in the car outside a meeting, wondering if he's actually in there.
You've tried Al Anon or a support group. Maybe it helped for a while. Maybe it felt like the wrong room. Either way, the hardest moments still happen when no one is there.
You've talked to your friends. They love you. But you can feel them getting tired of hearing it, or they just say "leave him," like it's that simple.
You've left and come back. More than once, maybe. Every time, you swore it would be different.
You've tried to manage it. Checking his phone. Counting drinks. Handling the money. Holding everything together so nothing falls apart.
None of this means you did it wrong. It means you've been doing all of it alone, and mostly after the fact.
The truth is...
Most of your support has never lived it.
Your therapist may be wonderful, but there's a difference between understanding addiction and having loved someone through it.
Help comes after the fact.
The hard moment happens on a Thursday night. Your appointment is next Tuesday. By then you've already spiraled, reacted, or gone numb.
You've been told to choose between them and you.
Detach and focus on yourself, or pour everything into getting them help. But you love this person. You need a way to steady yourself and a real plan for encouraging treatment, and almost no one gives you both.
The reality of loving someone in addiction is this:
- Their recovery isn't in your control.
- But you're not powerless. There are ways to encourage treatment, and you can learn them.
- Relapse can happen even when they do everything right.
- Getting sober doesn't fix the relationship on its own.
- Real recovery takes a year or more.
- And while you wait for them to get better, you can quietly lose yourself.
Heavy, I know.
But here's what no one told me when I was in it: the moment you stop waiting on them, your life gets to be yours again.
You get to sleep through the night without checking your phone. You get to make decisions from clarity, not fear. You get to love someone without losing yourself. You get to find out who you are when you're not managing a crisis.
- Support in the moment, not a week later
- Someone who's actually lived it
- A real plan for encouraging your partner toward treatment
- A place to understand your own patterns, not just theirs
I've been the sister. I've been the partner, twice. I've trained in clinical mental health counseling and sat with partners every week in my recovery center group.
And I know the patterns that keep women stuck in someone else's addiction, and the ones that finally set them free.
I've taken everything I lived and everything I've learned and built a way to walk beside you every day, not once a week.
You come in as the crisis manager of your partner's addiction and leave as a woman with a life of her own.
The Secure Self Method
Private Coaching with Brinn
Private coaching in your pocket for the woman who's been managing her partner's addiction and is ready to start living her own life.
Apply now
Private, daily support
1:1 coaching with me on Voxer for six months, wherever in the world you are.
Message me anytime, by voice or text, as often as you need. You'll hear back within 24 hours, Monday through Saturday. Sundays I'm off.
- Mornings: I answer from 8 to 10
- Evenings: I answer from 6 to 8
- Real answers: I'm not running between back to back sessions, so you never get a rushed one
Every week also includes:
- The Weekly Group: Tuesdays at 2pm ET on Zoom. Send your question ahead of time and I answer it live. Every session is recorded.
- 15 Minute Calls: When you need to talk it through out loud, book one on my calendar whenever one's open.
- The Library: 10 self paced modules for the basics, so our time goes to your life.
Six months is the minimum, on purpose.
Research on the brain in recovery shows it can take a year or more for it to come back online. If you're asking your partner to do the work for that long, you deserve to do your own work too. The first months are about getting steady. The rest is about becoming a woman who feels like she matters too.
I recommend having a therapist too. It isn't required, but the more people you have on your team, the better.
This is for you if
- Your partner is in active addiction or recovery
- You're stuck in the stay or go loop and you're tired of it
- You've tried support groups or reading everything you can find, and you still feel alone in it
- You're ready to put the focus back on yourself
This is not for you if
- You're looking for medication or a diagnosis
- You or someone in your home is in immediate danger and you need crisis support first
- You want someone to get your partner sober. I can guide you through supporting their recovery, but I can't make it happen for them
I'm trained in clinical mental health counseling, and I built this as coaching on purpose. Therapy is tied to one state's license. Coaching isn't, so I can work with you wherever you live. This isn't therapy or crisis care. If you're in danger, call 911 or 988 (in the US) or your local emergency number.
The coaching is built on three pillars
The Daily Line
Addiction doesn't wait for your next appointment. It shows up in a text you keep rereading, wondering if it's insecurity or intuition. In the plan your partner bailed on an hour before. In the moment they ask for money again and you can't tell if you're helping or funding.
That's when you open Voxer and tell me, right then, in your own words. I answer that morning or that evening, while the moment still matters. If you need to talk it through out loud, grab a 15 minute call.
Over time, you start hearing my questions in your head before you even hit send. That's the point. You're not just getting through the moment. You're learning to trust yourself in it.
The Weekly Group
Every Tuesday at 2pm ET, we meet on Zoom for an hour. You send your question in ahead of time, so you don't have to say it out loud in front of anyone if you're not ready. I answer it live, and we talk it through together.
Most weeks, someone asks the question everyone's carrying: "Do I stay or do I go?" And you realize you're not the only one who's been asking it at 2am.
That's what the group is for. You stop feeling like the only woman who's ever been here. Can't make it live? Every session is recorded.
The Library
You get 10 self paced modules you can go through on your own time, covering everything from understanding addiction and navigating treatment to safety, boundaries, your own healing, and what changes when your partner is in recovery.
The basics live here, so our time on Voxer goes to your life, not explaining how addiction works. When something comes up, I'll often point you to the exact lesson for it, and then we talk about what it means for you.
The full library all 10 modules
- 01Where Should We Begin
- 02The S.A.F.E. Method
- 03Understanding Addiction
- 04Navigating Treatment
- 05Safety and Crisis
- 06Communication & Boundaries
- 07Your Own Healing
- 08Family Life
- 09The Relationship Path
- 10When They're in Recovery
After six months, you choose. You can renew and keep going one on one, or move into my membership to keep your momentum with lighter support.
I've seen addiction from every side.
With my sister, I watched recovery work. Ninety days of treatment, a year of sober living, meetings, family therapy. I was part of it the whole way.
With my partner, I watched it never happen. He ran a business and made good money, so his drinking and pills never looked like rock bottom. We tried meetings. We tried retreats and every expensive fix out there. But he was never going to do the work, not for me and not for himself.
Then I loved someone who did everything right. Treatment, sober living, a sponsor, sponsees of his own. He still relapsed early on, because the trauma underneath hadn't been healed. And I had to accept that our relationship couldn't come first while he fought for his recovery.
That's when everything shifted. I stopped asking how to fix him and started asking about me. Why did I keep choosing this? Why did I overfunction, overthink, and hold everyone together? Why did this kind of love feel so familiar, even appealing?
Those answers changed my life. They're what I help you find, because your healing can't wait on theirs.
I'm trained in clinical mental health counseling, I founded AWEN Recovery, and I facilitate the Relationships & Recovery group at Portland Recovery Community Center. I built this so you don't have to find those answers alone.
Questions
Is voice coaching really enough?
It's more than most women have ever had. Instead of saving everything for one hour a week, you get support the day it happens, plus live calls and a weekly group when you need a real conversation.
What if my partner isn't in recovery and won't get help?
That's where a lot of women start. I'll guide you through how to encourage treatment, what your options are, and how to take care of yourself while they decide. I can't make them get sober, but you won't be figuring it out alone.
What if I don't know if I'm staying or leaving?
That's exactly where most women start. You don't need to decide anything to begin.
What if I can't make Tuesdays?
Every group session is recorded.
Do I need a therapist?
It's not required, but I recommend one. The more people on your team, the better.
I'm not in the US. Can I join?
Yes. This is coaching, so I can work with you wherever you live.
What happens after six months?
You choose. You can renew and keep going one on one, or move into my membership to keep your momentum with lighter support.
If you're tired of being the crisis manager of your partner's addiction...
If you want support the night it happens, not a week later...
If you're ready to understand why you keep choosing this, and to start choosing yourself...
Apply below. I read every application myself. If it feels like a fit, we'll set up a free 45 minute call to talk about where you are and whether this is right for you.
Apply now